How to survive working in a supermarket


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What happens in the supermarket, stays in the supermarket
Supermarkets are like Vegas, except instead of gambling at a casino; you’re gambling with your weight scale. When you work at a supermarket, not even your employee discount can convince you to spend longer than ten minutes in any of the aisles unless you’re being paid by the hour.

Now, working in a supermarket doesn’t have many perks. So you have to use your disadvantages to your advantage. Being a supermarket employee makes you an invisible face in company uniform. To everyone around you, you’re just that person who needs to mop aisle three or restock the shelves in aisle three after you’re done mopping it because you’re a slave laborer who works for minimum wage. Shop lift inside the shop. Because it isn’t a crime so as long as it’s within the parameters of the store. Now I’m talking about petty theft, like a bottle of water or a packet of Skittles. If you leave with a Malibu beach house, chances are that you’re going to get noticed.


Flirt with strangers
Gaze into their eyes, because 40 minutes into your shift, you’re going to forget what civilization looks like. It’s going to be nothing but acres of fluorescent lights and remixed elevator music. Now you’ll encounter the occasional douchebag who is more interested in your number than a purchase, because he might be an equal loser who works at the neighboring grocery store and can’t afford to court you like a real gentleman. In that case, offer your number only if he buys something. And when he does, give him the number to the customer service department of what he purchased. He might not get a booty call on a Tuesday night, but atleast he’ll know how to configure that weedwacker.


Befriend the security guard
His hours are longer than yours, but his paycheque isn’t. This could lead to major issues with depression and doom that he cannot afford to drink away on a regular basis. He probably has a wife and football team of children to feed and educate. You’re stealing wifi from your neighbor who is doing the same with their neighbor and your cat has learned to eat wallpaper chippings. For once, instead of complaining about your desolate situation; open your eyes to someone else’s. Plus, if he catches you in the act of swiping a water bottle or candy; he’ll let it slide. That’s how contacts, and the government work.


Look around, and be grateful for your position
A supermarket is like a party that everyone is invited to, but no one takes responsibility for. There are wailing babies, babies being made and adults behaving like babies everywhere. And although you might have to work perpetual hours just so that you can keep the clothes you wear to work clean, atleast your life doesn’t revolve around cleaning somebody else’s mess.


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